Myspace Angles....and Beyond

So we have already covered that I am currently not married, and in fact I am single. This is not from lack of trying, however sometimes it's the not trying that actually turns into amazingly bad dates. One case in point is when I was using Myspace (Yah this isn't recent), and I got a random message from a girl who I did not know.

Now we all know about "Myspace Angles" where people take very tricky pictures with their camera phones or low mega pixel pocket cams in order to fool you into thinking they are attractive or even worse....skinny. This particular girl who will be given a creative name shortly was one such case. The pictures in the profile looked ok, with nothing outwardly shocking such as tusks, excessive body hair, or other overt signs of nastiness. So when she wrote me a message out of the blue asking to take me out to dinner, I figured sure why not, I'll get a meal out of it. I figured I had nothing else going on that evening so I took up the offer. 

The first sign of trouble is when she asked to go to a four star restaurant. The number one rule in dinner dates is NEVER take a girl out to a place where she could potentially order lobster, steak and Dom Perignon, and then stick you with the bill. This of course goes double for a date where the girl askes you out, and offers to pay. This could go south quickly and you end up stuck with a $200 dinner bill, and no ride home. 

So with this said, I wisely suggested Panara, a casual yuppie hang out, deli type restaurant known for soup and sandwiches and alot of wood furniture. So we exchanged numbers, and as I arrived called her as to not walk up to random women in the place. The first thing she said was warning sign number 2. She asked what I was driving. Now I was driving my fathers truck, not my car, as my car at the time was although only 2 years old, the worst vehicle ever made by Suzuki. On this day (as many other days) it was in the shop, and so my dad was kind enough to lend me a truck he had. When she heard I was driving a truck said....ewww who drives that. I ignored the comment and continued on. 

So When I walked in the place I was very rudely surprised by what met me. A girl who stood about 5'5 with what I can only describe as a crooked face, red hair, a grey dress that looked like she bought it at the mall store RAVE (and yes it had long been out of business at that time as well), and these black shoes with super thick soles that looked like she took them off one of those people who has one leg to short. 

Now I am saying crooked in a very kind way. This was very similar to Toxic Avenger with one eye completely not on the same plane as the other. Her skin was so pale it was transparent, and she had red hair that was down almost to her waist. Of course this was about as far from fashionable as I could imagine anyone eating at a mall restaurant could possibly be. I figured I would make the best of it and at least get my free meal, and move on. This was not the case.

I have always been known to dress well, and take very good care of my appearance ever since I was a little child. So after ordering my meal (that I ended up paying for..and hers as well, good thing we didn't go to that 4 star) we sat down. She then looked me over and said something I have never heard someone say before...."Are you A gay". This was of course in reference to my stylish outfit, and well groomed hair. She then told me how she lived in Celebration, a community designed and run by Disney that can only be described at The Truman Show, and is most likely what they based the movie off of. She proceeded to tell me how this was only her second time downtown, and she liked it because there were "colored" people and she never gets to see them. Apparently in Celebration this is a rarity. As I said before it is completly Leave It To Beaver Land, even using a term that I thought they stopped using in the 50s. She told me that her goal one day was to meet a guy with tattoos that she described as "Good Charlotte" looking so she could ask them why they wanted to be so weird. After the colored person comment I was completely done with this date and told her I would call her to hang out again, and left abruptly. Of course I did not....however did run into her once again at a club downtown where she had apparently met another sucker who fell for her Myspace Angles, and that is what I called her from then on.

Dinner dates and beyond...a fresh look

I had one last phone call with Dom since my last post. This conversation for the most part was one sided, with me doing most of the speaking. I told her pretty much everything I felt, that I had been strung along, and had no desire to ever meet her new boyfriend. It pretty much ended with her telling me she was moving in with him, after only dating him a few weeks ( at least according to her, although I don't really trust her words). I for the most part said that I have no desire to embarrass myself any further as I am a proud person, and cannot continue to put myself in situations that compromise my person, morals, or dignity. What really finalized it for me was there were no words of apology, no understanding about my view, no self realization on her part or even mild acknowledgment of her role in the current situation. In her mind it should continue as it has..with her doing what she wanted, and me just being the best friend ever, always being there for her..no matter what course she takes. I don't think that I will be hearing from her again, at least not in the near future, as I used some strong wording to make my point. I was not going to lead along like a little puppy waiting for the day that I will be so kindly given a treat for all the stunts that were performed by me, or the loyalty that I had given.

Now dating has always been precarious for me. When I was younger, I was just happy to be out with a girl, and would pretty much go along with any suggestion that was made, no matter how compromising. At a later age, after many experiences that have taught me many lessons I find myself jaded and disenchanted  I often wonder if it is not better to fall in love and make the leap at a young age when you are still foolish, and unknowing to the pain and suffering the world has to offer. I used to make fun of kids (including friends and relatives) who have too quickly married their first girlfriend, and knew over a game of kickball at church camp that it was true love. I found it insane when my friend ran to Texas to meet a girl he met online. Now I am almost jealous of the naivete that brought them to such decisions. The blind optimism that pushed them to move where they should have stayed.

I have gone on a handful of dates in the last month. Prior to that not at all, thinking I was in a relationship as mentioned before, only to find out that one party was only "kidding" as they put it. The most recent dates have been lukewarm, but none the less meaningful. I figure if I am to move forward I need to get out of my comfort zone, and do the opposite of what I have done for the last several years, as it has obviously not served me well. I went out last night with a woman from one of my former employers, who I have known for quite a while now. She stated that I did not seem excited to be there, and I she saw me looking at other girls. This was correct as this woman I went out with was simply not interesting. I figured she wanted to go out, and I needed to start attempting to make an effort. Her conversation was boring, she didn't really know how to present herself on a date, wearing a completly unflattering shapless dress of the wrong color, and wearing her hair in a strange bun on the top of her head like a 60 year old librarian. She for some reason choose to go to Ale House, one of the least atmospheric places to reside on the planet earth, and last on my list of date locations. To top it off her boss was also at Ale House with his girlfriend and ran into them in the parking lot. Fortunately for me they arrived and broke the awkward goodbye as I had no intention of kissing this girl, nor making plans for the future. They were a nice distraction. The girl proceeded to say she wanted to go out more, but she could most likely tell that I wasn't really interested, maybe not, who knows, who cares.

Although this was a completely boring, and unmemorable date, I do have to say that I am happy that I went. Not anything for the company, but because I went out and did something. I have been on a few others with varying degrees of success, however until I am ready to actually make myself mentally available, I will just be another guy taking up a spot at a table, making pleasant conversation. I am not sure as to how much time this will take, and if it will ever really be the same as before. I just wonder if you can after being repeatedly defeated look back with a innocent naive view again. What I would give to be 20 again, and just be happy to be on a date with a girl who liked me, even if for the wrong reasons. If only it were that simple. Now I have years of expectations, and warning signs, and is she right for me, and am I wasting my time, and do I really like her. I think I might have forgotten what it is like to just have fun, and relax. Dating really isn't that hard. You just have to make yourself available, to not only them...but yourself. I am working on that.

This old house...A school of thought

On occasion I drive through my old neighborhood that I lived in as a child. I'm not quite sure why I do it, and I like to think that I am not the only person who does. It's funny to see the changes over the years, as old homes get flattened to be replaced with lake front mansions increasingly larger and larger. Overall though the character of the neighborhood has stayed the same, and many of the homes still look identical to what I remember.

Now my parents sold the house about 8 years ago right before the housing bubble crash and were very lucky to get full market value out of it. They were very particular as to who they sold it to, as many people would show up with interest only loans, and a big Hummer pretending to be something special. I remember my parents turning down all sorts of silly offers telling them to come back when they had money. Eventually they choose a family with a couple of young daughters, who seemed to fit the bill and came with cash. I never met them, but my parents were happy with the deal, and that is all that mattered.

At one point in time the house really stood out in the neighborhood as it was not a typical "Florida" style home as it lay on a hill, had 3 floors, two of them visible from the street, and a basement (and yes it flooded all the time). With real brick walls, columns and chimneys, with solid wood floors throughout the house, and a huge 12 ft deep pool (as it used to have a diving board that we removed later on when it was resurfaced). I remember coming home one day to a big wooden sign in the front yard awarding our house for being the most stylishly decorated house in Maitland for Christmas. It was quite an amusement as my father had done it for the first time by himself, and my mother and I had laughed that he didn't do it right, only to have it thrown back in our face when we saw this award in our front yard. He gloated about this for several years following. I was able to find a picture of the house online.

Now about a week ago, I happened to be next to my old neighborhood entrance while running errands, and figured I would stop by and take a look at my old dwelling. When I drove up to it this time I saw something rather disheartening. It would appear that the family who lives there is either fallen on hard times, or the husband has left. I say this because the home was in great disrepair. There were shutters that were crooked, tree branches all over the roof, that looked like it needed to be overhauled, poor lawn grooming, and it seriously needed to be repainted. It was very sad to see a once grand home looking like something out of The Burbs.

I can only hope that the family who owns it now either gets their stability back, and puts more money into renovating the home, or someone buys it out from them, and fixes it up. It's funny how I make assumptions as I don't know them at all and for all I know they are just really lazy, and don't bother to maintain the house. Either way it is interesting to see as the houses close by that used to be low slung common homes, are now rebuilt or completely replaced with huge 5 and 6 bedroom homes comparable in size, and now make this house look all the more shabby. 

In other news about the neighborhood, the Elementary School Dommerich who's claim to fame was once being featured in the movie Matinée (With John Goodman) for it's distinctive 50's architecture was demolished. Along with it was the awfully scrubby Maitland Middle School across the street that one can only describe as being designed by the same person who designed Discount Tire. Maitland Middle has the most unusual open air design, where instead of halls, it was laid out in courtyard fashion with pods of rooms in a square shape around it. There were several courtyards, and you had to walk outside to go from one room to the next. Of course in Florida that meant going outside in the heat, or rain with your school books getting soaked, and then having to sit in a classroom sweaty or wet for a hour, and then do it again. The open air design also made the unusual steel an aluminum construction of the building look very worn and corroded. and much older than it most likely was. 

Dommerich Elementary although fully enclosed and a lot ore stylish having being built in the 50's was limited in size and the neighborhood had  grown considerably since it was built and quickly became to small of a building by the early 2000's. I remember driving by and seeing the playground replaced with portable rooms, maybe as much as 30 of them. It was clear that a new school would need to be built. I miss the unique character of Dommerich, however Maitland Middle I have no such feeling for as it was a real shit hole, in an otherwise nice neighborhood that deserved much better. 

Both have been replaced with national architectural award winning buildings on a combined campus space. Each building matching the other in design, and pushing the boundaries on technology, and concept with movable interior walls, and frosted glass stolen directly from an Apple Store. 

Although I have said for years that I really though they should be replaced a long time ago. A strange part of me misses the old decrepit Maitland Middle School. For all it's design flaws, an unsightly appearance, it was still a huge part of my childhood and I somehow miss it not being there. Yes the new buildings are quite impressive but sometimes it's the derelict buildings and rundown exteriors that create the charm. Kids will no loner get rust cuts from the buildings strange and oddly placed gates in the middle of the hallways, or have hail hit them on the head on the way to math. No longer will they have to sweat on their way to a portable classroom that once was the location of the basketball court, however this is what created my best memories. I guess it's true what they say...you can never go home. 

Forever Young...HiRez and Low Fidelity

Since I was a child I have always looked younger than I was. I remember my mother telling me that one day I would love it. In many ways it is a huge blessing, and somewhat a curse at the same time. Below is a picture of me at the age of 11 when I sang for a boy choir. In this picture the two kids behind me were actually a year younger than I was. As you can see I looked tiny in comparison. Now in middle school being small was an invitation to get my ass kicked on a daily basis, and I did. 

Now at this point in time there were two twins named Jason and Jeremy who were quite possibly the biggest jack asses I have ever met. Their dad was a Dr and a specialist and made quite a bit of money. Now granted my parents weren't doing poorly themselves, but my mother did not feel the need to buy overly expensive cars to cart me around in. Now at the church I went to there was a vending machine that I would save up my money for the week so on the weekend for choir practice. I would go and get some goodies from the magical dispenser. This of course attracted attention from Jason and Jeremy, who would proceed on almost every occasion to jump me and steal my bag of skittles, laugh and run off while sharing their loot. They of course did this because they knew I wasn't going to do anything, and in thought, I couldn't do much even if I tried. 

Now they also went to school with me, so I could not avoid them even during the week, and to top it off, their parents and my parents were friends, and we car pooled together. The added torture of having to sit next to them in a car everywhere just added insult to injury. Of course they were saints in the car when their parents drove, as to not create any suspicion. 

As it occurred many times before I was at the vending machine, and had just gotten my bag of colorful candy and started to eat it when the twins run up shove me down and grab my candy out of my hand and start walking off with their typical jollies. This time I snapped, and did something unexpected. While their backs were turned I jumped on Jason from behind putting all my weight into it. He never saw it coming, and fell face first to the ground. I then proceeded to punch him in the head many times. I half expected his brother to jump in, as I was outnumbered. As it turned out his brother was actually quite the pussy and started crying seeing Jason get pounded. He yelled at me to stop, where I stood up to him and punched him in the arm to show I wasn't going to let him off either. 

The end result was they never messed with me again. When they started giving a hard time to other children, I would walk up to them and start making fun of them, knowing I had the power in this instance. They were afraid that I would get violent again, and would always apologize and run off. What I learned at that moment was that no matter how small you are, or may feel, bullies generally only bully thinking no one will stand up to them. I never let my size be an issue after that point, and never took flack from anyone. Most people are thrown off when you stand up to them, and in my case am actually quite sarcastic and snide in my response to anyone who tries to start something. 

Now the above picture was taken when I was 19. I meet many people who knew me in high school and are very surprised to see that I have not changed a lot since then physically  The below picture is me at what in a week will be 33. The main difference is that I had some moles removed, and of course different dress style. This is good and bad. 

The upside is that when I go out, no one thinks I am as old as I am. It is somewhat flattering to have 20 year old girls flirting with me, thinking I am their age. On the downside, co-workers think I am a kid, and not experienced.  I once went to a job interview and the interviewer kept asking me how old I was when I worked at AOL, thinking I had to have been in high school at the time, since I didn't look old enough to have work history 10 years back. She thought I was lying. I told her, no I was of drinking age when I worked there and she almost fell off her seat. My most recent job I said I had a Mac when  was a kid, and someone said  "you still look like a kid". Another gem was a British girl who said, "when I was your age" and she was 5 years younger than me. I looked at her, and said "you never were my age".

In the dating world this is also an issue at times. Many girls my age don't look at me twice as I look like a kid to them. They often want a "man" and I have had occurances where girls that I was interested in say to come back in a few years, or that I was to young, or simply didn't find me mature enough in whatever way (usually without actually saying it, but implied). I of course could go on dates with younger girls, who think I am only 24, but that also is a huge problem. Girls in their early 20's just want to party and have fun, and are not ready to settle down. I have no desire to get caught up in their silliness.

In a world where my dating competition is gradually getting greyer, and balder, and fater, I would have to say it is nice to not look my age. At the same time, sometimes I do wish that I were more macho, and rugged looking at times. My boyish charms don't work so well when someone realizes that I am 33. I can only milk that for so long. I guess I shouldn't really complain about my vampire genes, as many wish they looked younger themselves.

Motherly advice...You can't warm up old toast

So my mother in recent time has been very vocal about how she wants me to settle down and have children. It get's awkward when I talk to her and the subject comes up. Part of me agrees with her views, and the other part wants nothing more than to just be left alone. Her advice is generally correct  but often unwanted, and not asked for. Most recently she is even more concerned with the kids, than even setting down. I never thought I would hear a day when my mother would actually tell me to knock up some girl.

This I think started at about the age of 28 or so. At the time I was with Angie, who I remind her that I think it was best that I didn't have children with in retrospect. At that she agrees, however she then inputs that she is rather surprised that I haven't gotten a girl pregnant by now, considering how many "floosies" I have dated. Now this is a loving term my mother uses for any girl who I causally date, or have a very short term relationship with, and typically not up to my mother's standards.

To understand my mothers previous standards it included a girl who has gone to college, comes from a good family with Christian up bringing. By good family, I mean with parents who are doctors, or lawyers, business owners, or of other notable reputation, as opposed to say just "good people". Since I was very young I was reminded "it is just as easy to marry for love, as it is for money". This was basically stating that it wasn't really a bad idea to marry a girl you don't really love, if they are of a similar class, and can help provide a stable family, instead of say a girl I loved who worked at KFC and rode the bus. It is true I have found out that yes, it is hard for me to date a girl who comes from a very poor background, as we have very little in common as far as upbringing, and their views on money, and life in general is usually very different as well.

I think this was a huge issue with Angie. She was always getting on my about why I have to compete, and always try to be better. Why can't I just be happy with being like everyone else. This is counter my core being, of always trying to be the best. I have always had an innate desire to better myself, my situation and be better at everything I ever do than everyone else. I have an internal drive for competition. Angie on the other hand thought that it was pompous and arrogant to want to be better, and that lot's of people live perfectly fine lives making $8 an hour, and I should just settle for whatever life gives me. So our entire philosophy on life was different. She is okay with settling for less, and I simply was not. This was the basis for many of our fights. What I learned is I need to be with a girl who pushes me to be better, not one who tries to hold me back.

Now my mother has been asking daily as to why I haven't married Dominique. That is of course a rather touchy subject, as I don't want to outright say..well she was fucking with me the whole time. I just say, I don't know what she is up to, and we haven't spoken for a while, and that we are still friends, but it doesn't look like it is going anywhere. My mother has stated several times she had hoped that this would work out, and that she would have grandbabies soon. However she did say "You can't warm up old toast" and that we didn't talk for several years for a reason, and it probably is the same reason why we aren't really talking now. I told her that this was not up to her. Now her thing is for me to move on as soon as possible, as I am not getting any older. On that she is correct. I have my 33rd birthday coming up, with no relationship to speak of. I am okay with that, but eventually do want to meet a girl who wants a family. It's just hard because it seems that I really do waist a lot of time with girls who don't know what they want...or as my mother calls them....floosies. Maybe I really do need to re-evaluate who I date.

Thunderous rain... a calming effect

I have spent way to much time and energy pursing something that will never be mine. After speaking with a friend, I think I need to spend more time speaking of the more positive aspects of my life. I have used this time of unemployment as a chance to find my passions again. Those passions for learning, art, literature, music and everything that makes my soul whole again.

I have been exercising an hour to two a day, something I have greatly neglected in recent years; replaced with fast food indulgences, quick laugh track television, and meaningless meandering of night clubs and bars. This time around, I decided to not drink till my emotions subsided, but to embrace my anger, discouragement, and displeasure with my current situation both professionally, living arrangements, and my personal romantic en-devours or lack there of. I have found exercising has helped considerably not only with my physical appearance, but also with my mental stamina, learning ability, and overall  pleasure for everything the world has to offer.

Reading has taken place of mindless television where I have read several books, one turned out to be a poorly researched and ill witted self help book. I also read a squeal to the Wind in The Willows, a cute and well written children's book of great memories. Great Expectations and Wuthering Heights were also read as I have always loved classic English literature, as the phrasing and flow have always been paramount. I find many newer writings meander here and there, with little direction, or lack any sophistication in descriptives that I see in older style literature. A few science fiction writings, both classic and new, and some economics writings by authors of good repute.

I also have taken a liking to watching old interviews by William F Buckley Jr, who I think is one of the most profound orators I have ever heard. I remember as a child having a recording of him reading a book called The Temptation of Wilfred Malachy, and hearing his voice roll from one sentence to the next with great ability, and knowledge. To this day I think William F Buckley was one of the most literate people to have lived in recent times.

In the above video Buckley interviews Allen Ginsberg. He hosted a show called Firing Line for many years on PBS. I can only dream of being as well spoken and pronounced as Buckley.

Finally, I have been spending time on the piano writing songs. I have so far created a good basis for what oiginally was going to be a love song, but turned out to be more of a song of turmoil and despair. I have created a YouTube of the beginnings of it. Since then I have come a long way, and think it to be complete in the next week or so. I did get hung up on where to take it, after the divergence in mood, but I think that issue has been resolved. I had forgotten how much I loved playing my piano. One thing that I have found that I do often is play barefoot. I find that when using the pedals, I feel the vibrations of the instrument through my body, and helps me really feel the music much more.

The Ghost of Christmas Past....Scrooged

After Dom had separated from her husband, she came to me for support. Why she had left is that he beat her severely on several occasions. I remember opening my door to my Winter Park apartment, and finding her standing there with huge bruises, cuts, and soul broken. I would give her shelter, instead of letting her get a hotel, as she was going to. She had come in from Gainsville, and with no family close by as they were in Germany at the time, she was utterly alone. I, caring for her deeply was more than obliged to give her shelter, and whatever support she required to get her healthy and mentally sound again. This happened more than once, and I was always there, waiting with arms open.

After she had finally divorced him, and was moving to Orlando to start a new life, she was requiring a place to stay for a short period until she could find a place to live. During this week or two time, she stayed at my parent's house. My mother knowing the situation was all to happy to give her the guest room, and make her breakfast and talk to her. Dom has always spoken kindly of my mother from that point, and loved going back for dinner, or whatever when invited. 

Now Christmas had come around, and by then Dom had found her own place by Millenia Mall with a roomate from her school. My mother being the always thoughtful one knew her parents didn't live in the country, and didn't want her to be alone for Christmas. Knowing that Dom and I were close, my mother invited her to spend Christmas at the beach condo with us. After Dom had accepted, and said many times how delighted she was to attend, my mother went forth to prepare a proper German Christmas meal among other niceties specifically for her. This included a very long process of helping me select many gifts to put under the tree, that included several trips to the local art shows, to buy signed pieces and other such unique items as so she was not left out of the festivities when the big day arrived. We spent almost two months preparing for what was supposed to be a fabulous Christmas day, and the first Christmas that I had ever had a female friend invited to.

My aunt and uncle hearing that I would have a special guest also invited us to visit them, as they were having a huge party. My aunt prepared a small gift, as everyone at the part would receive a small token. The guests would include extended family of all sorts, aunts, uncles, cousins, and even twice removed relatives and family friends from near and far. Around 30 people in total. 

Well Christmas Eve came, and I had called Dom to tell her I was ready to pick her up, and make the drive down to Cocoa Beach. When she answered the phone she told me that her father had flown in from Germany last minute unannounced and she would spend Christmas with him. This of course came as a surprise as we had talked about this since Thanksgiving, and she had confirmed many times that she would attend with me. I told her she could have given further notice that she would not be going than when I was heading out the door to get her. She said she said she was very sorry, and left it at that. 

The rest of the day I had to explain to everyone embarrassingly that Dom would not be attending, and that I would be traveling alone. My parents were rather confused by the whole situation. For years I had to endure the remarks of aunts, uncles and cousins about how I was stood up on Christmas, and the girl who never showed. 

I took myself to the movie theater on Christmas day to watch Chronicles of Narnia alone, the best way to get away from everything. I simply did not want to be around anyone that day. I had serious doubts as to if her father really came in to town..or if Dom had decided to make other plans. These doubts were realized when I came home and went to Ibar in a foul mood and attempt to drown out my holiday misery with booze and dancing. When I arrived there was Dom, with a guy named Joe, who I had known as a "friend" of hers. She had always had a propensity to go for guys with no real future, no class, and long hair. The ultimate bottom feeders, who generally only had looks going for them, and a tendency to use girls for free stuff. 

She approached me, and I asked where her father was, and she said she already saw him and now was with Joe for some evening fun. So I then calmly told her that I would have nothing more to do with her, where she then pleaded for forgiveness, and how sorry she was that she missed the holiday with my family. Embarrassed and ashamed, I knew that I could no so easily take her word for anything, nor let her off so easily. She had made a fool of me in front of my parents, and family, and now I see her at a bar with another guy, who she obviously had spent Christmas with instead of holding up to her plans she had made months in advance. I could not help but be cold. I said nothing more, and walked away. The friend I was with was impressed with how steady I kept my emotions, and how calmly I spoke to her. 

This was the last time I spoke to Dom in over 6 years. In the following days, I had a concert even where I gave the main portion of Doms gifts away as prizes at one of the concerts that I had promoted. I felt it was a way to emotionally let go of the situation, and let other people enjoy the hundreds of dollars wort of stuff that I had bought for her. In the time after I had several relationships, including one that lasted a while with Angie, who I lived with for 4 years. Angie was aware of Dom, as my mother had spoken of the incident, and other family as well, as not to be escaped. What I did not tell Angie was that I had kept the best of the gifts unopend, and unwrapped for years. When Dom and I finally met up again, I gave them to her, for Valentines day. My way of showing that I had cared for so long, even when I was absent, she never left my mind. I knew though it was best to be away for a few years, to grow and mature as person. The hope was one day I would meet up with her a new man, and things would be different  I did get my second chance, or so I thought, and no things were not different. I find myself a second time walking away, knowing that she is toxic to my soul, and the pain she caused will simply be recreated, time after time. Who knows, maybe it will be another 6 years...maybe forever. 

das Ende...or so it seems

So today I was messaged by a particular German girl, who has been rather silent as of the last few weeks. I have not seen hide nor hair of her in over a month. Her message is how she "missed me" and that she has been busy and needs to make time for me and how she cannot imagine me not being part of her life. My response was what I said once before many years ago, after the Christmas incident. I think it is best we go our separate ways.

I told her how I have put forth a lot of time and effort into what I thought was a relationship, only to be let down again and again. There comes a time where my pride tells me I need to stop making putting myself out there over and over, and making a fool of myself. I made sure she had all my contact information, to which she questioned why I wold give it, only to walk away from her. I responded that I merely gave it to her in case she wanted to use it in the future. Just so she knows how to find me. If she changes her mind and decides she wants something more, than she can do what she wants with the info, and if I am obliged, I will respond.

I explained that I have waited 12 years to no avail, and am finished waiting and trying any further. I reminded her that I had kept her Christmas gifts from six years ago with what intentions I am not completely sure, as I had decided to leave her then as well. I think a piece of me had always hoped that one day she would come around, and I could present her with the amazing things I had so selectively picked out for her so long ago. I eventually did give her gifts to her, and she was  surprised to know that I had kept them for so many years, through moves and relationships, but I doubt she knows what that meant.

Will I hear from her again? Most likely I will, after a few months to a year. After she has ground up this current boyfriend, and is looking for a shoulder to cry on as with every time before. The real question is will I be there to receive her? Time heals all wounds, and I figure with enough time, and separation and I will move on. Even if I have to marry someone whom I only mildly love, I figure that many people do far worse. Including my own parents. I now understand why my mother would tell me that it is just as easy to marry for love, as it is for money. I think that if I found a nice girl with a pleasant family, and future ahead of her, that will suit me far better than someone who tears me up every time we speak. What ever my future is, I seriously doubt it will be with Dom. Not because I do not love her, or that I will ever really stop loving her, since most of my adult life has been in pursuit of this. It is because I cannot be allowed to love her, and this lies the problem. Even if I were to continue to be her friend, I would always want something more...that she simply cannot and most likely doesn't know how to give.

Should I stay or should I go...The Gym or Germany

I sit here now with a strange decision. Should I tomorrow go and exercise with Dominique as I was invited by her, or should I keep true to my intellect and stay away. Many of my friends have said to move on, and tell her to not communicate with me further. In my heart I know this to be the easiest method, though it may hurt now, I know once a few months have passed it will grow easier and easier as new memories form. I have done this before, and six years passed without meeting. At the same time a part of me doesn't want to let go, as it is not in my nature to just give up on anything; no matter the difficulty.

 She has stated that we are just two people who love each other, but I think we both have two different meaning of the word. The persistence of her to continue to  ask to be best friends, and yet  dangle possibilities in front of me like a carrot tears me up inside with every text and call I receive from her. I was asked a few days ago to go to Germany with her for Christmas. This as she stated is because she is tired of traveling alone. I ask then why does she not take her new boyfriend, who is yet unnamed. There is no answer to that. I am to meet her mother, whom Dominique has told many things to her about me. I often wonder what exactly her mother knows, or think she knows, or maybe really does fully know. I find it ironic that Dominique chooses Christmas, as this is a painful holiday for me with her since her incident that I have tried very hard to forget.

Do girls ask men who they only find as a friend to travel with them on the most holy of days to meet their family if they do not have further intentions? Or do they simply want company, so the plane ride isn't so long, and there are diversions from having to speak to her mother to often? If I were to go what would my expections be, and what would be thought of me. Would I be putting myself in a further situation, trapped by an ocean of distance, and waiting for my opportunity to run home and cry on kinder ground?

The invitation for going to the gym came while drunk at a "friends" house. Now keep in mind that I have only had a visit from Dominique once, and she has always been rather adamant about not coming over to my place as if it kept the plague. Sometimes I think that she has less control over situations if she were to come to my place, as I strongly believe that is truly what this is all about. I was abrupt with my response, as I don't know if this supposed friend is male or female, or if someone is putting her up to this line of questioning or not. I always have to be mindful of what is or might be being spoken of me as I have no intention of being humiliated.

I eventually had to tell my parents, as they have been asking if we are getting married any time soon. What do I say to this, as Dominique has spent many a dinner as a guest of my parents, and stayed at their house. I told my mother that I don't see things working out as I had hoped, and that there seems to be some confusion as to our situation. This is the best way to leave it with her, and my mother, always wanting grand children, and thinking I have waited all to long already. My mothers advice is to move on, and not waist any further time. I could tell that she was disappointed to hear this news as Dominique and my mother have gotten along better than any of my previous female companions, no matter the degree. Angie and my mother on the other hand put up with each other for my sake, and sometimes not even that much. Many unkind words were spoken by both sides.

As for me, I spend my days exercising on my own, reading novels, watching British movies, and writing my new song. The new song of course is inspired by my confusion of all situations, and my general overall unhappiness with the direction that my life is taking. Sometimes I think that I have made the wrong decisions. Maybe if I had been more straight forward 6 years ago thing would be different. Then again, most likely not. Growing up I always wondered if a leopard could change it's spots. A part of me wants to belive that they can, and the realist in me knows the truth.

Still standing..still waiting

So it's been twelve years now that I have loved her. As days turn into weeks, and weeks to months, and so forth I wait for when she will call me up and say that she truly loves me. Not in the way she has said it many times before..always followed by a; but, or "like a brother" or nothing at all, denoting that there is to be nothing more to the thought.

I was strong once, and even waited 6 years without contact. This was after the Christmas incident that I have promised that I had forgiven her for, but yet cannot forget. That happening will be forever etched in my mind as the single hardest day I have had to endure...except for maybe this one. This is also after her miserable marriage to an abusive man who I will speak about in further detail later on this blog. After the many times she rant to me for help, and I gave it to her. Those 6 years actually although wrought with it's own displeasure, measures up to nothing; as I almost seem to have forgotten them. The only reminder is that those 6 years led me to where I am now, alone and hopeful, yet without hope of ever getting to be with her.

This would explain why in the past 6 years I have dated, even lived with someone, whom I was not in love with. Angie was her name, and as much good she had done for me in retrospect, my heart always belonged to another. She wasn't a bad person, and by many opinions a perfectly good candidate for marriage. We sure acted like a couple, but it had it's problems, and was never meant to be. She is now engaged to her former best friend whom was always there in the background, so maybe that gives me hope as well. Angie knows of Dominique and had several times hated my memory of her, and wondered why I would even still bring her up after what she had done to me.

It's funny that even though you can think you care for someone, and even after a long while actually grow to almost need them. It can sometimes be in a codependent form that is more like a bond between two adopted siblings, or the one you get with your roommate  I grew to need Angie, but at the heart of it all, I did not love her. She on her part loved me almost too much, and this was a cause of a great chasm that formed between us. There were so many expectations she had of me, that I did not have of her, and in an ironic sense, find it right that this very thing be given to me as punishment in it's current form with a certain German girl.

Where I am now is sitting hearing about Angie's engagement, happy for her but longing for my own bit of good news. There is no hurt or bitterness between the two of us. I know for my part at least, this is true because I can honestly say I am happy that she found someone who will give her what I could not. On her part I believe it to be true, because she is talking to me more than she has in a very long time, and that shows a sing that she has moved on in her mind.

As for me, I sit and write songs on the piano for a girl who will most likely never hear them, and write blogs that I hope she never reads. Mainly because I find it therapeutic to write my events and thoughts down, otherwise I sit and stew on them and become completely counter productive. My time has been spent exercising. Fighting off the terrible sunburn that I received from exercising. Finding new employment, and trying to get my tax return, which as it turns out will be an amazing $35 that will take me very far.

My goal is to become the person I know she wishes she had. I don't know if at that point I will flaunt it, or use it as a means to better myself for my own good. I do know that idle hands really are the devils playground, and too much time on your hands and a broken heart can be a terrible combination that drives a weaker man to drink, or worse. I think that my end result will be positive as I have secured a position, though not as fascinating or financially incentivising as my previous. I can say it will be nice to be on my feet again, and in a better position to move forward. This with the bonus of exercising and practicing my piano I think it will make me a very good candidate for anyone, both in future promotions, and in my personal life as well.

From whence it all began...A star is born

So my story starts with a rather mundane day at a job I once had back in 2001. I was working at a local CD Store called WaxTree and doing my normal activity that consisted of sitting at the register and waiting for people to pick out their Skinny Puppy or KMFDM or what have you. As this was an underground music store it was common to have goths, and metalheads and all sorts of people come from out of town to visit, as we specialized in imports, and our store was quite the destination. People knew to come here for the imported music from Europe that you simply could not find at a Camelot Music in the mall, or God forbid..Wallymart.

Now on this particular day I was sitting on my ass not expecting a whole lot when a girl walked in. My typical hello, how are you doing, and offer of assistance was given. Now what made this girl so different from all others is that this girl would end up changing my life, and my heart forever. She was wearing a dark grey dress with wonky angles (that I later found out was Calvin Klein) that was so amazing she would stand out in a crowd in Paris. Her hair was dyed red and black, and although normally this generally looks synthetic on most anyone else, actually came off as quite natural. Her height was a stately 5 fot 10 or so, and had the figure of one of those models you see on E! channel. When she opened her mouth to retort back to my normal greeting, there was something quite different indeed about her..she was German.

The dress was similar to this, but with the bottom also at a funny angle

I know you expect this harsh gritty voice like you see in the movies, but her accent is of a far sweeter, softer nature that flowed like violin music in the finest concert hall. Immediately we seemed to hit it off, not in a flirty way, but like we just somehow knew each other  and it was ok to just go along with what ever happens, and we did. We ended up hanging out later that very evening, and the next day...and possibly the next. When she introduced herself I memorized her name immediately  something rare for me as I never remember names, even common American names as Bob or Suzy. Her name was Dominique.

As we talked and got to know each other I learned that she did not have a drivers license..and yet she drove. She had at the time one of those Chevy Blazers in burgundy that was a few years old, with come typical Industrial music band stickers on it.  It turns out she had only been in the US for a few weeks, and was living with her father who was a major something for a big German engineering company everyone knows. Not having a drivers license didn't stop her from going places of course. We then decided to meet up at a local Thai resturant, that we have since been to again on several occasions.

At the Thai restaurant, I ordered curry chicken, and she had something with peanuts (big surprise). We sat next to a man who had the most extraordinary case of gas imaginable. This man sat behind Dominique and proceeded to fart the entire time. Of course we could barely hold in our giggles from disgust. I had only met this girl a few hours before and  don't normally make it a thing to run off with customers who walk in. This would turn out to be one of the most memorable dinners in my life. To this day, she still remembers the details. It's a shame the fun didn't last..but more on that later.