So it's been twelve years now that I have loved her. As days turn into weeks, and weeks to months, and so forth I wait for when she will call me up and say that she truly loves me. Not in the way she has said it many times before..always followed by a; but, or "like a brother" or nothing at all, denoting that there is to be nothing more to the thought.
I was strong once, and even waited 6 years without contact. This was after the Christmas incident that I have promised that I had forgiven her for, but yet cannot forget. That happening will be forever etched in my mind as the single hardest day I have had to endure...except for maybe this one. This is also after her miserable marriage to an abusive man who I will speak about in further detail later on this blog. After the many times she rant to me for help, and I gave it to her. Those 6 years actually although wrought with it's own displeasure, measures up to nothing; as I almost seem to have forgotten them. The only reminder is that those 6 years led me to where I am now, alone and hopeful, yet without hope of ever getting to be with her.
This would explain why in the past 6 years I have dated, even lived with someone, whom I was not in love with. Angie was her name, and as much good she had done for me in retrospect, my heart always belonged to another. She wasn't a bad person, and by many opinions a perfectly good candidate for marriage. We sure acted like a couple, but it had it's problems, and was never meant to be. She is now engaged to her former best friend whom was always there in the background, so maybe that gives me hope as well. Angie knows of Dominique and had several times hated my memory of her, and wondered why I would even still bring her up after what she had done to me.
It's funny that even though you can think you care for someone, and even after a long while actually grow to almost need them. It can sometimes be in a codependent form that is more like a bond between two adopted siblings, or the one you get with your roommate I grew to need Angie, but at the heart of it all, I did not love her. She on her part loved me almost too much, and this was a cause of a great chasm that formed between us. There were so many expectations she had of me, that I did not have of her, and in an ironic sense, find it right that this very thing be given to me as punishment in it's current form with a certain German girl.
Where I am now is sitting hearing about Angie's engagement, happy for her but longing for my own bit of good news. There is no hurt or bitterness between the two of us. I know for my part at least, this is true because I can honestly say I am happy that she found someone who will give her what I could not. On her part I believe it to be true, because she is talking to me more than she has in a very long time, and that shows a sing that she has moved on in her mind.
As for me, I sit and write songs on the piano for a girl who will most likely never hear them, and write blogs that I hope she never reads. Mainly because I find it therapeutic to write my events and thoughts down, otherwise I sit and stew on them and become completely counter productive. My time has been spent exercising. Fighting off the terrible sunburn that I received from exercising. Finding new employment, and trying to get my tax return, which as it turns out will be an amazing $35 that will take me very far.
My goal is to become the person I know she wishes she had. I don't know if at that point I will flaunt it, or use it as a means to better myself for my own good. I do know that idle hands really are the devils playground, and too much time on your hands and a broken heart can be a terrible combination that drives a weaker man to drink, or worse. I think that my end result will be positive as I have secured a position, though not as fascinating or financially incentivising as my previous. I can say it will be nice to be on my feet again, and in a better position to move forward. This with the bonus of exercising and practicing my piano I think it will make me a very good candidate for anyone, both in future promotions, and in my personal life as well.
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