Dinner dates and beyond...a fresh look

I had one last phone call with Dom since my last post. This conversation for the most part was one sided, with me doing most of the speaking. I told her pretty much everything I felt, that I had been strung along, and had no desire to ever meet her new boyfriend. It pretty much ended with her telling me she was moving in with him, after only dating him a few weeks ( at least according to her, although I don't really trust her words). I for the most part said that I have no desire to embarrass myself any further as I am a proud person, and cannot continue to put myself in situations that compromise my person, morals, or dignity. What really finalized it for me was there were no words of apology, no understanding about my view, no self realization on her part or even mild acknowledgment of her role in the current situation. In her mind it should continue as it has..with her doing what she wanted, and me just being the best friend ever, always being there for her..no matter what course she takes. I don't think that I will be hearing from her again, at least not in the near future, as I used some strong wording to make my point. I was not going to lead along like a little puppy waiting for the day that I will be so kindly given a treat for all the stunts that were performed by me, or the loyalty that I had given.

Now dating has always been precarious for me. When I was younger, I was just happy to be out with a girl, and would pretty much go along with any suggestion that was made, no matter how compromising. At a later age, after many experiences that have taught me many lessons I find myself jaded and disenchanted  I often wonder if it is not better to fall in love and make the leap at a young age when you are still foolish, and unknowing to the pain and suffering the world has to offer. I used to make fun of kids (including friends and relatives) who have too quickly married their first girlfriend, and knew over a game of kickball at church camp that it was true love. I found it insane when my friend ran to Texas to meet a girl he met online. Now I am almost jealous of the naivete that brought them to such decisions. The blind optimism that pushed them to move where they should have stayed.

I have gone on a handful of dates in the last month. Prior to that not at all, thinking I was in a relationship as mentioned before, only to find out that one party was only "kidding" as they put it. The most recent dates have been lukewarm, but none the less meaningful. I figure if I am to move forward I need to get out of my comfort zone, and do the opposite of what I have done for the last several years, as it has obviously not served me well. I went out last night with a woman from one of my former employers, who I have known for quite a while now. She stated that I did not seem excited to be there, and I she saw me looking at other girls. This was correct as this woman I went out with was simply not interesting. I figured she wanted to go out, and I needed to start attempting to make an effort. Her conversation was boring, she didn't really know how to present herself on a date, wearing a completly unflattering shapless dress of the wrong color, and wearing her hair in a strange bun on the top of her head like a 60 year old librarian. She for some reason choose to go to Ale House, one of the least atmospheric places to reside on the planet earth, and last on my list of date locations. To top it off her boss was also at Ale House with his girlfriend and ran into them in the parking lot. Fortunately for me they arrived and broke the awkward goodbye as I had no intention of kissing this girl, nor making plans for the future. They were a nice distraction. The girl proceeded to say she wanted to go out more, but she could most likely tell that I wasn't really interested, maybe not, who knows, who cares.

Although this was a completely boring, and unmemorable date, I do have to say that I am happy that I went. Not anything for the company, but because I went out and did something. I have been on a few others with varying degrees of success, however until I am ready to actually make myself mentally available, I will just be another guy taking up a spot at a table, making pleasant conversation. I am not sure as to how much time this will take, and if it will ever really be the same as before. I just wonder if you can after being repeatedly defeated look back with a innocent naive view again. What I would give to be 20 again, and just be happy to be on a date with a girl who liked me, even if for the wrong reasons. If only it were that simple. Now I have years of expectations, and warning signs, and is she right for me, and am I wasting my time, and do I really like her. I think I might have forgotten what it is like to just have fun, and relax. Dating really isn't that hard. You just have to make yourself available, to not only them...but yourself. I am working on that.