So today I was messaged by a particular German girl, who has been rather silent as of the last few weeks. I have not seen hide nor hair of her in over a month. Her message is how she "missed me" and that she has been busy and needs to make time for me and how she cannot imagine me not being part of her life. My response was what I said once before many years ago, after the Christmas incident. I think it is best we go our separate ways.
I told her how I have put forth a lot of time and effort into what I thought was a relationship, only to be let down again and again. There comes a time where my pride tells me I need to stop making putting myself out there over and over, and making a fool of myself. I made sure she had all my contact information, to which she questioned why I wold give it, only to walk away from her. I responded that I merely gave it to her in case she wanted to use it in the future. Just so she knows how to find me. If she changes her mind and decides she wants something more, than she can do what she wants with the info, and if I am obliged, I will respond.
I explained that I have waited 12 years to no avail, and am finished waiting and trying any further. I reminded her that I had kept her Christmas gifts from six years ago with what intentions I am not completely sure, as I had decided to leave her then as well. I think a piece of me had always hoped that one day she would come around, and I could present her with the amazing things I had so selectively picked out for her so long ago. I eventually did give her gifts to her, and she was surprised to know that I had kept them for so many years, through moves and relationships, but I doubt she knows what that meant.
Will I hear from her again? Most likely I will, after a few months to a year. After she has ground up this current boyfriend, and is looking for a shoulder to cry on as with every time before. The real question is will I be there to receive her? Time heals all wounds, and I figure with enough time, and separation and I will move on. Even if I have to marry someone whom I only mildly love, I figure that many people do far worse. Including my own parents. I now understand why my mother would tell me that it is just as easy to marry for love, as it is for money. I think that if I found a nice girl with a pleasant family, and future ahead of her, that will suit me far better than someone who tears me up every time we speak. What ever my future is, I seriously doubt it will be with Dom. Not because I do not love her, or that I will ever really stop loving her, since most of my adult life has been in pursuit of this. It is because I cannot be allowed to love her, and this lies the problem. Even if I were to continue to be her friend, I would always want something more...that she simply cannot and most likely doesn't know how to give.
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