I sit here now with a strange decision. Should I tomorrow go and exercise with Dominique as I was invited by her, or should I keep true to my intellect and stay away. Many of my friends have said to move on, and tell her to not communicate with me further. In my heart I know this to be the easiest method, though it may hurt now, I know once a few months have passed it will grow easier and easier as new memories form. I have done this before, and six years passed without meeting. At the same time a part of me doesn't want to let go, as it is not in my nature to just give up on anything; no matter the difficulty.
She has stated that we are just two people who love each other, but I think we both have two different meaning of the word. The persistence of her to continue to ask to be best friends, and yet dangle possibilities in front of me like a carrot tears me up inside with every text and call I receive from her. I was asked a few days ago to go to Germany with her for Christmas. This as she stated is because she is tired of traveling alone. I ask then why does she not take her new boyfriend, who is yet unnamed. There is no answer to that. I am to meet her mother, whom Dominique has told many things to her about me. I often wonder what exactly her mother knows, or think she knows, or maybe really does fully know. I find it ironic that Dominique chooses Christmas, as this is a painful holiday for me with her since her incident that I have tried very hard to forget.
Do girls ask men who they only find as a friend to travel with them on the most holy of days to meet their family if they do not have further intentions? Or do they simply want company, so the plane ride isn't so long, and there are diversions from having to speak to her mother to often? If I were to go what would my expections be, and what would be thought of me. Would I be putting myself in a further situation, trapped by an ocean of distance, and waiting for my opportunity to run home and cry on kinder ground?
The invitation for going to the gym came while drunk at a "friends" house. Now keep in mind that I have only had a visit from Dominique once, and she has always been rather adamant about not coming over to my place as if it kept the plague. Sometimes I think that she has less control over situations if she were to come to my place, as I strongly believe that is truly what this is all about. I was abrupt with my response, as I don't know if this supposed friend is male or female, or if someone is putting her up to this line of questioning or not. I always have to be mindful of what is or might be being spoken of me as I have no intention of being humiliated.
I eventually had to tell my parents, as they have been asking if we are getting married any time soon. What do I say to this, as Dominique has spent many a dinner as a guest of my parents, and stayed at their house. I told my mother that I don't see things working out as I had hoped, and that there seems to be some confusion as to our situation. This is the best way to leave it with her, and my mother, always wanting grand children, and thinking I have waited all to long already. My mothers advice is to move on, and not waist any further time. I could tell that she was disappointed to hear this news as Dominique and my mother have gotten along better than any of my previous female companions, no matter the degree. Angie and my mother on the other hand put up with each other for my sake, and sometimes not even that much. Many unkind words were spoken by both sides.
As for me, I spend my days exercising on my own, reading novels, watching British movies, and writing my new song. The new song of course is inspired by my confusion of all situations, and my general overall unhappiness with the direction that my life is taking. Sometimes I think that I have made the wrong decisions. Maybe if I had been more straight forward 6 years ago thing would be different. Then again, most likely not. Growing up I always wondered if a leopard could change it's spots. A part of me wants to belive that they can, and the realist in me knows the truth.
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