Thunderous rain... a calming effect

I have spent way to much time and energy pursing something that will never be mine. After speaking with a friend, I think I need to spend more time speaking of the more positive aspects of my life. I have used this time of unemployment as a chance to find my passions again. Those passions for learning, art, literature, music and everything that makes my soul whole again.

I have been exercising an hour to two a day, something I have greatly neglected in recent years; replaced with fast food indulgences, quick laugh track television, and meaningless meandering of night clubs and bars. This time around, I decided to not drink till my emotions subsided, but to embrace my anger, discouragement, and displeasure with my current situation both professionally, living arrangements, and my personal romantic en-devours or lack there of. I have found exercising has helped considerably not only with my physical appearance, but also with my mental stamina, learning ability, and overall  pleasure for everything the world has to offer.

Reading has taken place of mindless television where I have read several books, one turned out to be a poorly researched and ill witted self help book. I also read a squeal to the Wind in The Willows, a cute and well written children's book of great memories. Great Expectations and Wuthering Heights were also read as I have always loved classic English literature, as the phrasing and flow have always been paramount. I find many newer writings meander here and there, with little direction, or lack any sophistication in descriptives that I see in older style literature. A few science fiction writings, both classic and new, and some economics writings by authors of good repute.

I also have taken a liking to watching old interviews by William F Buckley Jr, who I think is one of the most profound orators I have ever heard. I remember as a child having a recording of him reading a book called The Temptation of Wilfred Malachy, and hearing his voice roll from one sentence to the next with great ability, and knowledge. To this day I think William F Buckley was one of the most literate people to have lived in recent times.

In the above video Buckley interviews Allen Ginsberg. He hosted a show called Firing Line for many years on PBS. I can only dream of being as well spoken and pronounced as Buckley.

Finally, I have been spending time on the piano writing songs. I have so far created a good basis for what oiginally was going to be a love song, but turned out to be more of a song of turmoil and despair. I have created a YouTube of the beginnings of it. Since then I have come a long way, and think it to be complete in the next week or so. I did get hung up on where to take it, after the divergence in mood, but I think that issue has been resolved. I had forgotten how much I loved playing my piano. One thing that I have found that I do often is play barefoot. I find that when using the pedals, I feel the vibrations of the instrument through my body, and helps me really feel the music much more.

The Ghost of Christmas Past....Scrooged

After Dom had separated from her husband, she came to me for support. Why she had left is that he beat her severely on several occasions. I remember opening my door to my Winter Park apartment, and finding her standing there with huge bruises, cuts, and soul broken. I would give her shelter, instead of letting her get a hotel, as she was going to. She had come in from Gainsville, and with no family close by as they were in Germany at the time, she was utterly alone. I, caring for her deeply was more than obliged to give her shelter, and whatever support she required to get her healthy and mentally sound again. This happened more than once, and I was always there, waiting with arms open.

After she had finally divorced him, and was moving to Orlando to start a new life, she was requiring a place to stay for a short period until she could find a place to live. During this week or two time, she stayed at my parent's house. My mother knowing the situation was all to happy to give her the guest room, and make her breakfast and talk to her. Dom has always spoken kindly of my mother from that point, and loved going back for dinner, or whatever when invited. 

Now Christmas had come around, and by then Dom had found her own place by Millenia Mall with a roomate from her school. My mother being the always thoughtful one knew her parents didn't live in the country, and didn't want her to be alone for Christmas. Knowing that Dom and I were close, my mother invited her to spend Christmas at the beach condo with us. After Dom had accepted, and said many times how delighted she was to attend, my mother went forth to prepare a proper German Christmas meal among other niceties specifically for her. This included a very long process of helping me select many gifts to put under the tree, that included several trips to the local art shows, to buy signed pieces and other such unique items as so she was not left out of the festivities when the big day arrived. We spent almost two months preparing for what was supposed to be a fabulous Christmas day, and the first Christmas that I had ever had a female friend invited to.

My aunt and uncle hearing that I would have a special guest also invited us to visit them, as they were having a huge party. My aunt prepared a small gift, as everyone at the part would receive a small token. The guests would include extended family of all sorts, aunts, uncles, cousins, and even twice removed relatives and family friends from near and far. Around 30 people in total. 

Well Christmas Eve came, and I had called Dom to tell her I was ready to pick her up, and make the drive down to Cocoa Beach. When she answered the phone she told me that her father had flown in from Germany last minute unannounced and she would spend Christmas with him. This of course came as a surprise as we had talked about this since Thanksgiving, and she had confirmed many times that she would attend with me. I told her she could have given further notice that she would not be going than when I was heading out the door to get her. She said she said she was very sorry, and left it at that. 

The rest of the day I had to explain to everyone embarrassingly that Dom would not be attending, and that I would be traveling alone. My parents were rather confused by the whole situation. For years I had to endure the remarks of aunts, uncles and cousins about how I was stood up on Christmas, and the girl who never showed. 

I took myself to the movie theater on Christmas day to watch Chronicles of Narnia alone, the best way to get away from everything. I simply did not want to be around anyone that day. I had serious doubts as to if her father really came in to town..or if Dom had decided to make other plans. These doubts were realized when I came home and went to Ibar in a foul mood and attempt to drown out my holiday misery with booze and dancing. When I arrived there was Dom, with a guy named Joe, who I had known as a "friend" of hers. She had always had a propensity to go for guys with no real future, no class, and long hair. The ultimate bottom feeders, who generally only had looks going for them, and a tendency to use girls for free stuff. 

She approached me, and I asked where her father was, and she said she already saw him and now was with Joe for some evening fun. So I then calmly told her that I would have nothing more to do with her, where she then pleaded for forgiveness, and how sorry she was that she missed the holiday with my family. Embarrassed and ashamed, I knew that I could no so easily take her word for anything, nor let her off so easily. She had made a fool of me in front of my parents, and family, and now I see her at a bar with another guy, who she obviously had spent Christmas with instead of holding up to her plans she had made months in advance. I could not help but be cold. I said nothing more, and walked away. The friend I was with was impressed with how steady I kept my emotions, and how calmly I spoke to her. 

This was the last time I spoke to Dom in over 6 years. In the following days, I had a concert even where I gave the main portion of Doms gifts away as prizes at one of the concerts that I had promoted. I felt it was a way to emotionally let go of the situation, and let other people enjoy the hundreds of dollars wort of stuff that I had bought for her. In the time after I had several relationships, including one that lasted a while with Angie, who I lived with for 4 years. Angie was aware of Dom, as my mother had spoken of the incident, and other family as well, as not to be escaped. What I did not tell Angie was that I had kept the best of the gifts unopend, and unwrapped for years. When Dom and I finally met up again, I gave them to her, for Valentines day. My way of showing that I had cared for so long, even when I was absent, she never left my mind. I knew though it was best to be away for a few years, to grow and mature as person. The hope was one day I would meet up with her a new man, and things would be different  I did get my second chance, or so I thought, and no things were not different. I find myself a second time walking away, knowing that she is toxic to my soul, and the pain she caused will simply be recreated, time after time. Who knows, maybe it will be another 6 years...maybe forever. 

das Ende...or so it seems

So today I was messaged by a particular German girl, who has been rather silent as of the last few weeks. I have not seen hide nor hair of her in over a month. Her message is how she "missed me" and that she has been busy and needs to make time for me and how she cannot imagine me not being part of her life. My response was what I said once before many years ago, after the Christmas incident. I think it is best we go our separate ways.

I told her how I have put forth a lot of time and effort into what I thought was a relationship, only to be let down again and again. There comes a time where my pride tells me I need to stop making putting myself out there over and over, and making a fool of myself. I made sure she had all my contact information, to which she questioned why I wold give it, only to walk away from her. I responded that I merely gave it to her in case she wanted to use it in the future. Just so she knows how to find me. If she changes her mind and decides she wants something more, than she can do what she wants with the info, and if I am obliged, I will respond.

I explained that I have waited 12 years to no avail, and am finished waiting and trying any further. I reminded her that I had kept her Christmas gifts from six years ago with what intentions I am not completely sure, as I had decided to leave her then as well. I think a piece of me had always hoped that one day she would come around, and I could present her with the amazing things I had so selectively picked out for her so long ago. I eventually did give her gifts to her, and she was  surprised to know that I had kept them for so many years, through moves and relationships, but I doubt she knows what that meant.

Will I hear from her again? Most likely I will, after a few months to a year. After she has ground up this current boyfriend, and is looking for a shoulder to cry on as with every time before. The real question is will I be there to receive her? Time heals all wounds, and I figure with enough time, and separation and I will move on. Even if I have to marry someone whom I only mildly love, I figure that many people do far worse. Including my own parents. I now understand why my mother would tell me that it is just as easy to marry for love, as it is for money. I think that if I found a nice girl with a pleasant family, and future ahead of her, that will suit me far better than someone who tears me up every time we speak. What ever my future is, I seriously doubt it will be with Dom. Not because I do not love her, or that I will ever really stop loving her, since most of my adult life has been in pursuit of this. It is because I cannot be allowed to love her, and this lies the problem. Even if I were to continue to be her friend, I would always want something more...that she simply cannot and most likely doesn't know how to give.

Should I stay or should I go...The Gym or Germany

I sit here now with a strange decision. Should I tomorrow go and exercise with Dominique as I was invited by her, or should I keep true to my intellect and stay away. Many of my friends have said to move on, and tell her to not communicate with me further. In my heart I know this to be the easiest method, though it may hurt now, I know once a few months have passed it will grow easier and easier as new memories form. I have done this before, and six years passed without meeting. At the same time a part of me doesn't want to let go, as it is not in my nature to just give up on anything; no matter the difficulty.

 She has stated that we are just two people who love each other, but I think we both have two different meaning of the word. The persistence of her to continue to  ask to be best friends, and yet  dangle possibilities in front of me like a carrot tears me up inside with every text and call I receive from her. I was asked a few days ago to go to Germany with her for Christmas. This as she stated is because she is tired of traveling alone. I ask then why does she not take her new boyfriend, who is yet unnamed. There is no answer to that. I am to meet her mother, whom Dominique has told many things to her about me. I often wonder what exactly her mother knows, or think she knows, or maybe really does fully know. I find it ironic that Dominique chooses Christmas, as this is a painful holiday for me with her since her incident that I have tried very hard to forget.

Do girls ask men who they only find as a friend to travel with them on the most holy of days to meet their family if they do not have further intentions? Or do they simply want company, so the plane ride isn't so long, and there are diversions from having to speak to her mother to often? If I were to go what would my expections be, and what would be thought of me. Would I be putting myself in a further situation, trapped by an ocean of distance, and waiting for my opportunity to run home and cry on kinder ground?

The invitation for going to the gym came while drunk at a "friends" house. Now keep in mind that I have only had a visit from Dominique once, and she has always been rather adamant about not coming over to my place as if it kept the plague. Sometimes I think that she has less control over situations if she were to come to my place, as I strongly believe that is truly what this is all about. I was abrupt with my response, as I don't know if this supposed friend is male or female, or if someone is putting her up to this line of questioning or not. I always have to be mindful of what is or might be being spoken of me as I have no intention of being humiliated.

I eventually had to tell my parents, as they have been asking if we are getting married any time soon. What do I say to this, as Dominique has spent many a dinner as a guest of my parents, and stayed at their house. I told my mother that I don't see things working out as I had hoped, and that there seems to be some confusion as to our situation. This is the best way to leave it with her, and my mother, always wanting grand children, and thinking I have waited all to long already. My mothers advice is to move on, and not waist any further time. I could tell that she was disappointed to hear this news as Dominique and my mother have gotten along better than any of my previous female companions, no matter the degree. Angie and my mother on the other hand put up with each other for my sake, and sometimes not even that much. Many unkind words were spoken by both sides.

As for me, I spend my days exercising on my own, reading novels, watching British movies, and writing my new song. The new song of course is inspired by my confusion of all situations, and my general overall unhappiness with the direction that my life is taking. Sometimes I think that I have made the wrong decisions. Maybe if I had been more straight forward 6 years ago thing would be different. Then again, most likely not. Growing up I always wondered if a leopard could change it's spots. A part of me wants to belive that they can, and the realist in me knows the truth.

Still standing..still waiting

So it's been twelve years now that I have loved her. As days turn into weeks, and weeks to months, and so forth I wait for when she will call me up and say that she truly loves me. Not in the way she has said it many times before..always followed by a; but, or "like a brother" or nothing at all, denoting that there is to be nothing more to the thought.

I was strong once, and even waited 6 years without contact. This was after the Christmas incident that I have promised that I had forgiven her for, but yet cannot forget. That happening will be forever etched in my mind as the single hardest day I have had to endure...except for maybe this one. This is also after her miserable marriage to an abusive man who I will speak about in further detail later on this blog. After the many times she rant to me for help, and I gave it to her. Those 6 years actually although wrought with it's own displeasure, measures up to nothing; as I almost seem to have forgotten them. The only reminder is that those 6 years led me to where I am now, alone and hopeful, yet without hope of ever getting to be with her.

This would explain why in the past 6 years I have dated, even lived with someone, whom I was not in love with. Angie was her name, and as much good she had done for me in retrospect, my heart always belonged to another. She wasn't a bad person, and by many opinions a perfectly good candidate for marriage. We sure acted like a couple, but it had it's problems, and was never meant to be. She is now engaged to her former best friend whom was always there in the background, so maybe that gives me hope as well. Angie knows of Dominique and had several times hated my memory of her, and wondered why I would even still bring her up after what she had done to me.

It's funny that even though you can think you care for someone, and even after a long while actually grow to almost need them. It can sometimes be in a codependent form that is more like a bond between two adopted siblings, or the one you get with your roommate  I grew to need Angie, but at the heart of it all, I did not love her. She on her part loved me almost too much, and this was a cause of a great chasm that formed between us. There were so many expectations she had of me, that I did not have of her, and in an ironic sense, find it right that this very thing be given to me as punishment in it's current form with a certain German girl.

Where I am now is sitting hearing about Angie's engagement, happy for her but longing for my own bit of good news. There is no hurt or bitterness between the two of us. I know for my part at least, this is true because I can honestly say I am happy that she found someone who will give her what I could not. On her part I believe it to be true, because she is talking to me more than she has in a very long time, and that shows a sing that she has moved on in her mind.

As for me, I sit and write songs on the piano for a girl who will most likely never hear them, and write blogs that I hope she never reads. Mainly because I find it therapeutic to write my events and thoughts down, otherwise I sit and stew on them and become completely counter productive. My time has been spent exercising. Fighting off the terrible sunburn that I received from exercising. Finding new employment, and trying to get my tax return, which as it turns out will be an amazing $35 that will take me very far.

My goal is to become the person I know she wishes she had. I don't know if at that point I will flaunt it, or use it as a means to better myself for my own good. I do know that idle hands really are the devils playground, and too much time on your hands and a broken heart can be a terrible combination that drives a weaker man to drink, or worse. I think that my end result will be positive as I have secured a position, though not as fascinating or financially incentivising as my previous. I can say it will be nice to be on my feet again, and in a better position to move forward. This with the bonus of exercising and practicing my piano I think it will make me a very good candidate for anyone, both in future promotions, and in my personal life as well.

From whence it all began...A star is born

So my story starts with a rather mundane day at a job I once had back in 2001. I was working at a local CD Store called WaxTree and doing my normal activity that consisted of sitting at the register and waiting for people to pick out their Skinny Puppy or KMFDM or what have you. As this was an underground music store it was common to have goths, and metalheads and all sorts of people come from out of town to visit, as we specialized in imports, and our store was quite the destination. People knew to come here for the imported music from Europe that you simply could not find at a Camelot Music in the mall, or God forbid..Wallymart.

Now on this particular day I was sitting on my ass not expecting a whole lot when a girl walked in. My typical hello, how are you doing, and offer of assistance was given. Now what made this girl so different from all others is that this girl would end up changing my life, and my heart forever. She was wearing a dark grey dress with wonky angles (that I later found out was Calvin Klein) that was so amazing she would stand out in a crowd in Paris. Her hair was dyed red and black, and although normally this generally looks synthetic on most anyone else, actually came off as quite natural. Her height was a stately 5 fot 10 or so, and had the figure of one of those models you see on E! channel. When she opened her mouth to retort back to my normal greeting, there was something quite different indeed about her..she was German.

The dress was similar to this, but with the bottom also at a funny angle

I know you expect this harsh gritty voice like you see in the movies, but her accent is of a far sweeter, softer nature that flowed like violin music in the finest concert hall. Immediately we seemed to hit it off, not in a flirty way, but like we just somehow knew each other  and it was ok to just go along with what ever happens, and we did. We ended up hanging out later that very evening, and the next day...and possibly the next. When she introduced herself I memorized her name immediately  something rare for me as I never remember names, even common American names as Bob or Suzy. Her name was Dominique.

As we talked and got to know each other I learned that she did not have a drivers license..and yet she drove. She had at the time one of those Chevy Blazers in burgundy that was a few years old, with come typical Industrial music band stickers on it.  It turns out she had only been in the US for a few weeks, and was living with her father who was a major something for a big German engineering company everyone knows. Not having a drivers license didn't stop her from going places of course. We then decided to meet up at a local Thai resturant, that we have since been to again on several occasions.

At the Thai restaurant, I ordered curry chicken, and she had something with peanuts (big surprise). We sat next to a man who had the most extraordinary case of gas imaginable. This man sat behind Dominique and proceeded to fart the entire time. Of course we could barely hold in our giggles from disgust. I had only met this girl a few hours before and  don't normally make it a thing to run off with customers who walk in. This would turn out to be one of the most memorable dinners in my life. To this day, she still remembers the details. It's a shame the fun didn't last..but more on that later.